Still Waiting to Exhale?

Merry Meet and Greetings Family, Friends, Follower and Lurkers!

So, here I stand, faced with a crisis of conscience. Ok well, that's a big whopping lie, because it's not a crisis at all and my conscience has never been clearer.

First, let me say that I am not a vindictive person. If anything, I have often been accused of being too forgiving for my own good. A week or so ago, I received a call on my cellphone from a number I didn't recognize. I was lying down nursing a strained back, so I didn't answer it. I presumed that, if it was important enough, whomever it was would leave a message and so they did.

Later, when I listened to the message, I realized it was from a woman that was hired as the practice manager for an office I had managed several years before. And while I had long since moved on at the time she was hired, I learned through a relative who still worked with her that you couldn't speak my name in her presence without her becoming enraged. I had also learned that she enjoyed reading my blog in order to ridicule my personal life and what she believed was my lack of mental stability. Now, ya gotta know, I can count on one hand the number of times I'd actually met this person, so I found this behavior bizarre, if not a tad amusing.

One of my chance encounters with this woman came, however, at one of the most difficult and painful times of my life, on the evening of the death of my mother. My mother, who was 84 years old and had suffered from emphysema for many, many years, was in the end stage of her disease. I had spent most of day at her bedside at the hospital. My mother couldn't speak, could barely breath and was suffering from dementia. Yet, I could sense she knew who I was and that I was with her. When I looked in her eyes however, I sensed something else...fear. I felt so helpless! In my heart, I knew that this would be the last time I'd see her alive, I was terrified to leave her. Still, I had a 5 year old at home and I needed to care for her as well. The nurses assured me that they would call me immediately if there was any change. I kissed her forehead and reluctantly left for home.

A few hours later, I received a call informing me that my mother was crashing and that they had been "working on her" for 45 minutes. Working on her? Why wasn't I called!? There was no further intervention that would restore her life's quality, but instead, would merely prolong her suffering! We had signed a "do not resuscitate" order during one of the last of many hospitalizations at the recommendation of her physician! What the fuck were they doing?!

We arrived at the hospital as quickly as we could, but my mother was already gone. I was heartbroken and furious, all at once. I don't think there has been a moment quite as devastating as walking into my mother's room and seeing the woman who gave birth to me, hooked up to a monitor that was measuring her for signs of life. I stared in disbelief at the flatline across the screen and just as I did a little blip appeared on the monitor. Artifact, I was told. Bullshit!, I thought. I truly believe she realized I was there. I looked up as the nurse spoke and there, standing next to my other family members, was this woman who couldn't tolerate my existence. I truly felt that her presence there was not to comfort, but instead had a morbid, spectator-like quality, as if she found some twisted satisfaction in my suffering. I was already disoriented and grief stricken, but now also felt as if one of the most sacred moments in my life was being violated as well.

My mother's life was not the only thing that ended that night. Family bonds were irrevocably broken by the hands of guilt and greed, none of which involved myself or this woman. The day following my mother's death, I was accused of being "rude". Rude!? My mother had just died! Even if I would have allowed myself to be remotely distracted by this woman's presence, I wouldn't have wasted the last precious moments that I had with my mother being "rude" to her or anyone else.

Needless to say, along with my mother, anyone who caused me additional pain on that night, no longer exists to me now.

So there I sat, in utter disbelief, listening to this woman's nauseatingly sweet voice cooing her request for some work related information into my cell phone! I'll be honest, I got as far as "Hi Tracy, long time no hear!" "Listen, the reason I'm calling is..Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah..blah..blah. Then..."Think you can you get back to me?"

"Maybe, Lynn." "Hold your breath till I call".

"Never attribute to malice that which can adequately be explained by stupidity"

In Darkness, Light!


Tracy